Day 255 — Cynthia

For being able to be there for someone.

More shallowly, for the heat pad wrapped around my neck. I think I’ve been sitting funny at work again.

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Day 255 – Julia

I have very mixed feelings about this, but in the last two days I’ve been allowed to begin to carefully pedal very slowly off the starting line.   It would be unprofessional of me to comment further on the details of the situation, but suffice it to say that I am being given a number of opportunities to master, umm, some areas of weakness and frustration.  I’m getting a little bit better at that, and genuinely feels good to know that some of all this practice has been paying off. Shifting perspectives and letting go of schemas takes a long time, but I sort of feel like I’m getting there. (After admittedly ample practice.)

I largely owe this momentary ability to cry less in public to my wonderful Alexander technique teacher, who has patiently reminded me again and again that somewhere in the quiet core of my being, I ALWAYS have a choice. That’s a powerful thing to know, especially when none of the apparent options are easy to accept. I choose to list among my choices the option of moving to Tahiti and using a skywriter to spell out my feelings, in short words, as I go.

More helpfully, I choose to remember poetry I memorised as a teenager.  I’ve been re-learning Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird, by Wallace Stevens.   Here are a few lines about acknowledging uncertainty.

II.
I was of three minds,
Like a tree
In which there are three blackbirds.
III.
The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds.
It was a small part of the pantomime.
If I start chanting about regaining my locus of control, please smack me.  In the meantime, please be patient as I make daily attempts to wrap my head around kindergarten with Mussolini.

Day 254 – Julia

Glad I eventually admitted defeat on the sleep front and let myself fix the annoying broken-tabled appendix and resubmit those 3 pages before the deadline.

Glad I stopped myself from tinkering any further or re-reading, even though there was just cause.

Glad I won’t have to answer any more stats questions for a while.

 

Day 253b – Julia

 

Day 253b: Glad I handed something in 24h early for the first time possibly ever.

Glad my friend C locked herself out, not because she was homeless for 5h, but because it meant we got to have a good old gossip and a well-earned glass of wine.

Glad I made myself go to bed rather than tinkering with one last dissertation formatting issue.