This is one of those awkward posts about managing bitterness, so I’m going to preface it by saying that I’m grateful that this blog helps me recognize real feelings of gratitude almost every time I post. Including tonight, although it took me a while to get there.
Today I was glad that I acted with integrity and kept some self-respect, even though it was expensive. Basically, I got told off by both of the people implementing the forthcoming babysitter system* for not being more delighted about it. But I’m still relieved that I was diplomatically honest. I am cautiously optimistic that it will turn out to be a step forward. And when I am in the room and the system is working, then I will be relieved. When will I be _happy_? When I am permitted to treat patients independently, with the same level of supervision and respect all of my colleagues get. [And no, I don’t want to revise my attitude, because a) I’m not 7, b) this is an honest and very diplomatic answer to your question, and c) my new year’s resolution was to be frank with you all. Frank seems to get a lot more done.]
*we are now one step closer to a system wherein I have a full-time minder whenever I am treating patients. As far as we can clarify, the minder will be there to verify all the things we already know or to provide an extra layer of support for systems that don’t apply [e.g. they’re there if a patient falls and I don’t catch them, despite the fact that manual handling legislation wouldn’t permit me to catch the patient anyway; or to watch it happen if I fall, despite the fact that I haven’t fallen for more than 13 months.] My feelings are, you may sense, unequivocal. But we’re one small step closer to graduation. And being frank about my feelings (if majorly censored in their articulation) feels better than trying to appease all the irrational all the time. This is, I think, a good thing.